Depression - Thought War Series


I remember when I was younger, I was so preoccupied with a relationship, I had missed the fact that it had now become an idol to me. I did not realise how my low self esteem had allowed me to cling to someone who I thought made me somebody. They made me feel loved and worth being alive. This new found hope caused me to form such a soul tie with this individual that they had total control over my emotions. They had the power to make me feel happy, sad, angry, or fulfilled. My emotions depended solely on their actions.


Then one day, God blocked it.


The individual said a few words that shattered my heart. These words caused me to know that the individual did not feel the same way towards me that I felt towards them. My idol, was now crumbling before my eyes. This sent me straight into an intense phase of depression and suicidal thoughts. During this time of depression I remember God constantly seeking to woo me to righteousness, however, I just wasn't into God at the moment. I was hurting and I felt like a victim. God was demanding forgiveness, but that seemed like a very selfish thing for God to ask of me. Quite frankly I was hurting, I was the one that needed help.


I remember when the pain and self-anguish got too much to bear, that one day I heard a voice say to me, "You know, if you don't think about yourself you won't feel anything." This was such a strange thing for me to hear because, firstly, hearing a voice out of nowhere confused me, and secondly, I had come to a point that I did not know feeling peace was possible - however here was a line of hope. I tried what the voice said and immediately felt peace - I was awestruck. This encounter led me on a journey to pursue that voice, who I later discovered was God. He would say similar things, day by day, that would point me to self denial, and forgiveness while simultaneously revealing His love for me.


He brought me all the way to the point that He asked me a question. "Kareem, which will you choose? To kill yourself and burn in hell, or to die to yourself and live for me?" I decided that day to live for Jesus and my life has never been the same.


God loves us all, however there is a real enemy who is after our souls and our joy. If you are walking in depression, know firstly that it can be easily overcome by your decision to make the word of God the authority for your life. Depression is an attitude of the heart that throws a tantrum at the fact that they are not in control. The tantrum is thrown at God because He is in control of our lives. We think to ourselves, that we could do a better job than He is doing in our lives, and if we had the full privilege to decide how things went we would ensure that hurt never comes our way.


However, God gives what we need, not what we want. What we need is a character so pure that we will be found worthy to make it into heaven. How do we attain that character? Through trials, tests, and unfortunate situations. Those situations you would have rather not happened are designed to build you up in Christ Jesus. Those are the situations that are saving your life. Simply comply with the word of God, love and trust God. Know that He knows best and it all is turning for your good. Change your focus from what you want to what God is doing and you will see the perspective that God wants you to see through. Want nothing more than to please God, if you desire this you will always walk in the peace of the Spirit.



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